THE DAILY RANT
WELCOME TO THE WORLD FAMOUS
D A I L Y R A N T
last updated: Yesterday
We are glad you are here. This is a section of bar talk about anything and everything
without a lot of inside jokes no one understands.
The Rant changes almost daily so check back often.
Enjoy!
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CAPTAIN HARDCRABS
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No strings attached!
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Turn on your speakers. You are listening to:
The Marina from the film CADDY SHACK
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If you are a music artist and would like to have your music featured here, contact us. You will not be paid but you can get some serious exposure to our loyal, music buying Rummiestm.
WAV files only please.
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TRIBUTE TO CAPTAIN HARDCRABS' PUB !!
Thanks to Marissa T. for that awesome tribute !
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Pee- YOU !
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — They promise to entice the senses with a "hint of cinnamon-ginger spice" and a "refreshingly zesty lemon creme filling," but some batches of Lemon Chalet Creme Girl Scout cookies didn't quite turn out that way, instead smelling like a hint of septic system crap-o-la and a hint of turd. A Kentucky bakery that makes the cookies pulled some batches after about a dozen people complained of a foul smell and taste. The bakeries say no one has gotten sick from the stinky, bad-tasting cookies sold in 24 states, and they are safe to eat but who would want to ??? The problem is caused by a breakdown of oils in the cookies, and the trace amounts of foul smelling fecal mater. The cookies were distributed in Alabama, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, North Carolina, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Wisconsin and the District of Columbia. Word has it that the silver lining is that the scouts have a new brand of cookie called the 'Pirouet Shit Stain Springerle Cookie' which sells for a modest sum but smells like the south end of a north bound mule.
~Word on the shtreet is these cookies are selling c-h-e-a-p. Better stock up.
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Mee- YOW !!!
A Pinnacle Airlines flight from Rochester, N.Y., to Atlanta was canceled after two flight attendants got into a cat fight. Two female flight attendants got into a verbal argument and the pilot decided to cancel the flight because things went from interestingly sexual to down right catty, bitch slapping UFC style knock-down-and-tussle rumble. "They told us we had to get off the plane because stewardesses were fighting and betting wasn't allowed unless the plane was over international waters," said passenger Rorey Spinton. The Delta Connection flight was operated by Pinnacle Airlines, which has a history of cat fighting cage matches, suspended the two women while an investigation is conducted. "The activities described are not acceptable," said Joe, a spokesman for Pinnacle Airlines. Passengers were reportedly placed on other flights but only after they figured out their winnings. No word on which bitch won.
~ We thought 'stewardesses' had been politically-correctly replaced with 'flight attendant'. What the hell do we know?
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Brakes Are For Sissies
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration said it would "look into allegations of momentary loss of braking capability while traveling over an uneven road surface, pothole, bum or bump." In other more common terms, 'You can drop the possibility of stopping (which is important, kinda) and then get into a nice crash'. NHTSA, part of the Transportation Department, said it had received 124 reports from consumers, "including four reports alleging that crashes occurred". Now join us here at The Pub for a second: How in Hell do you 'allege' that a crash occurred ??? You either crashed or you didn't. Even Lester, our pet bar bird knows the difference and he doesn't even own a Prius. He can't see over the wheel. Prius, which is the world's most popular hybrid car, is the trouble maker here. "Investigators have spoken with consumers and conducted pre-investigatory field work, and water boarding is possibly next," the agency said in a statement. "Safety is our top priority. That and not getting sued! Ha Ha Ha!" said aTransportation spokes model who rides a bike.
~ Reminds us Rummiestm of the joke: What's the biggest problem with an electric car ? Having to stop every 25 feet for more extension cords!
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Meat Counters Have Big Knives...In Case You Needed To Know....
An Ohio man is in jail after police arrested him on charges of urinating on a meat counter at a Wal-Mart store. The idiot was arrested at 1:30 a.m. He was charged with felony vandalism and disorderly conduct. The Urinator was arrested after police responded to a call from an employee at the Wal-Mart store telling authorities that a man walked up to the meat counter and began urinating on the steaks. The disorderly conduct destroyed more than $600 dollars in meat. Police have not commented on whether alcohol or drugs played a role in the freak's actions.
~Gee... none of us Rummiestm claim to be brain sturgeons but an informal poll around The Pub concluded that alcohol & drugs and a Friday welfare check most likely contributed to Mr. P.P.'s 'contribution to the meat marinade. You can draw your own conclusions, we don't mind, besides...some of us have to pee.
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New Jersey's Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company churned out the world's first beer can on Jan. 24 1935, stocking select shelves in Richmond, Va., as a market test. Be sure to crack open a cold one on Jan. 24, the day canned beer celebrates its 75th birthday. The experiment took off and American drinkers haven't looked back since, nowadays choosing cans over bottles. It is impossible to tell just how many important decisions in world history were lubricated by a pint or two, the potent potable has played a role in at least a few milestone events, from the plagues of medieval Europe to the founding of the United States and the invention of the Woner Bra.
~ Happy Birthday to the only friend that you can crush repeatedly with your bare hands.
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$$$$$$$$$
Conan 'The Ball Bearing' O'Brien is outta here with a paltry $40 million deal to walk away from his job hosting NBC's "The Tonight Show," in a new move that will also award severance pay to his employees, The Wall Street Journal reported.
The deal, which was fiercely negotiated with guns and knives, gives O'Brien the paltry sum of $32.5 million to go on 'garden leave', whatever the hell that means, until September. This would prevent him from hosting any other TV shows if he pockets the cash, sort of like a weird lottery win...you know 'lump sum', but gives him an option to sign other deals like fast food and posture enhancing mattresses.
~ And we are supposed to feel sorry for Cone ? Hardly............the Rummiestm wet dreams are to have someone pay us $ 32 mil to walk away from our jobs.
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Seems Like Yesterday...
In 1907............
(some interesting trivia while you drink your drink)
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles
of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in 1909 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year
,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per
year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME
.
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars..
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant as domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!
Plus one more thought; 95 percent of the taxes we have now did not exist in 1909
~We're still reeling from the fact that canned beer wasn't around....{YIKES!}
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It Says It ALL....
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World's Greatest 'OUCH!' I want my mommy...{sniff}
Remember the guy who snagged the 'Greatest Job In The World' (working for 6 months as a diplomat of sorts for a vacation destination on Hamilton Island on Australia's Great Barrier Reef -see above) to promote tourism?
Well he damn near got his permanent retirement early due to this little gem.
The irukandjijellyfish...a mean little bastard that could kill you. So look at the real estate above then gawk at the tiny little bugger and wonder the same thing we were wondering,"How in the hell are you supposed to relax knowing that these little bastards live and hang out here?"
http://www.irukandjijellyfish.com/
~ We're not sure Australia wanted that part in their promotion
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Alcohol Abuse
Eureka Natural Foods employees clean up the wine section and mop their tears as a back-up generator provides power after an earthquake struck on Saturday in Eureka, Calif. California is one of the world's most seismically active regions. More than 300 faults crisscross the state, which sits atop two of Earth's major tectonic plates, the Pacific and North American plates which accordingly makes it the most logical place to live. In addition to having your life rocked around the clock you also run the annual risk of being burned alive in raging wild fires for months on end. Sounds like the ideal place to set up shop. About 10,000 quakes each year rattle Southern California alone, although most of them are too small to be felt.
~ All that wine....{{sniff, sniff}} we can hardly contain our grief.
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Oh Honey! This Model Will Fit A Small Lamb's Head! Perfect For Our Loft!
WEST CHESTER, Ohio -- It wasn't a 'Spam lamb' (like in an episode of M*A*S*H) local police in Ohio found in a display microwave at home furnishings store IKEA -- it was a real lamb's head, officials said. An IKEA employee told the store's management of the grisly find, which was immediately removed. A worker told management about "a small lamb's head found in the kitchen area of our showroom." The head was removed (again... badump bump...) and the area cleaned with a whole bunch of those really cool 'Shnortus' sponges and other cleaning things with funny names. Store security tapes did not show the area clearly enough for police, which is always helpful for security cameras. They have no suspects. No one reported lambs being killed in the area, and who would ? Would they call IKEA to give them a 'heads up' ? (Sorry, couldn't resist) and noted such animal body parts are available at nearby international markets but not at IKEA. They just have meatballs (and really good ones too).
~ And we thought the toilet brushes IKEA advertised as 'dishwasher safe' was yucky...
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Bad Captain! BAD!
In a rare photo-op, the Captain was photographed being shown to his seat at the Goya in Berlin, Germany
~ Our Captain Hardcrabs...always insisting on formal wear.
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Uh Yes...Is This The Sado-Masochist Convention?
A bus driver appears distracted as he drives plows past a gaggle of scantily clad models wearing Agent Provocateur's new lingerie collection, then slamming into a dozen cars claiming he was, "hard at work". The New World Order lingerie was on display as well as a dozen seriously incredible derrieres outside a department store in London.
~ And here we thought it was really cool room service. Damn! Well guess we'll cancel the Turkey Club with a side of unbridled domination sex.
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Lets All Hope For A Better 2010 !!!
Captain Hardcrabs' Pub thanks you for your visits this year and we ask that you keep coming back for more fun!
Cheers!
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We Always Knew Some Women Had Balls But Then Again....
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Close Encounters
A mysterious giant spiral of light that dominated the sky over Norway has stunned experts — raising the possibility of an entirely new astral phenomenon. Time to say, "Oh shit!" . Thousands of awe-struck, Aquavit addled Norwegians bombarded the Meteorological Institute to ask, 'What the hell ?!!' What this incredible light — which could be seen in the pre-dawn sky for hundreds of miles — could possibly be? Theories have ranged from a misfired Russian missile, a big assed meteor like in the movie Deep Impact starring Morgan Freeman and Robert Duvall, a fireball, never-before-seen type of northern light, black hole, the Christmas star, the Second Coming, the Captain Hardcrabs' Pub Batlight and even alien activity. Witnesses across Norway all described seeing a spinning "Catherine wheel-style" spiral of white light, centered around a bright moon-like star. A blue "streaming tail" appeared to anchor the spiral to earth, before the light "exploded" into a rotating ring of white fire.
~ Okay, those of us Rummiestm at The Pub were working on our posters that say, 'COME IN! BE FRIENDLY!'
Update on the UFO: Apparently in a major extraterestrial buzz-kill, it turns out the light was from a Russian rocket that malfunctioned...bummer man.
~ Okay boys, put the signs away. Maybe next time.
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{{{ BOING }}}
In a desperate attempt to get into Captain Hardcrabs' Pub, several people tried amazing attention grabbing stunts in a plan to woo the bouncers in front of The Pub. Although creative, their antics resulted in a 'No Way- No Pass'. However, being impressed with their sponginess, The Captain ordered a free round of Fosters for each performer.
~ Way to go Captain! That's why we love ya!
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'Don't Crowd Children, Everyone Will Get A Chance...'
Examinees for the Chinese civil service in central government and agency departments associated to the civil service wait outside the examination venue in Wuhan in central China to meet The Captain and get their picture taken with him. Though lower than average turnout, mostly due to weather, the crowd was orderly and no incidents were reported. In addition, everyone got to take home a free box of bacon, Q-Tips and cold sore medication as well as a 4 x5 inch glossy picture taken with The Captain.
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"Hey Man ! Get Off My Wave!"
HONOLULU — Thousands of dudes and surfers are flocking to Hawaii's beaches to see the biggest waves in years crash ashore and to chow down on fish tacos. The world's most daring surfers took on the powerful and dangerous waves, which forecasters say could reach heights of 50 feet. If that ain't enough for you, as violent as the waves are, they may grow in strength by Tuesday! The high waves are expected to continue through Wednesday. A legendary big wave surfing contest, the Quiksilver in Memory of Eddie Aikau, may be held Tuesday for the first time since 2004 if waves reach a height of about 40 feet. The event is only held in perfect conditions, and the waves weren't quite big or smooth enough.......WHAT ?? Not BIG enough? "The swell energy is continuing to grow, and the waves may get larger. A large storm over the North Pacific has sent a wave train." said one freaked out weather wonk. "Hawaii hasn't seen such humongous waves since 2004 or 1998 or maybe it was 1987....I can't really remember dude....huh huh huh huh." said one half dressed guy sitting in his VW Micro-bus which smelled strongly of an illegal substance.
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What a Load of Crap....
No we don't want to grant these two any more publicity than they are already 'suffering' from. Let's just say 'You got busted. Boo-Hoo!' end of game. But we Rummiestm are entertained by the sheer 'balls-i-ness' of the 'crash'. Oh...and by the way... despite what these two say on TV, they got booted from the 'Black Congressional Reverse Racism Dinner' 4 weeks prior to this little incursion. In this Tuesday, Nov. 24, 2009 file photo, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, taking time off from crashing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, arrive at a State Dinner hosted by President Barack Obama for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh at the White House in Washington. After the Secret Service insisted that President Barack Obama was never endangered by an unknown couple who 'just happened' to show up, a security breach that allowed a couple to crash his first state dinner, the White House has released a photo showing that not only did the pair get close to Obama, they actually shook hands and talked to him about a parking validation so they could get home. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)
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You KNOW We Are Loving This....
Reminds us of The Captain's Birthday Party
The 2009 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show filmed at NYC's Lexington Armory on November 19. During the show, which features a performance by the Black Eyed Peas and an unprecedented appearance by The Captain himself, the winner of the 2009 Victoria's Secret Model Contest will also be named and strut her stuff on the runway with The Captain in tow. Afterwards Captain Hardcrabs' Pub will be hosting the post-fashion show at The Pub and will be serving the usual all-you-can-eat-bacon and unbelievably hot & world famous Hot Wingers. We live for this event every year.
~ "I am honored. Fergie grabbed my butt!" ~ The Captain
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That looks like Tiger up there...IT IS!
The identity of a couple caught making the beast-with-two-backs in a clock tower in central Sydney on Friday remains a mystery except for abundant rumors that it might be Tiger , but their intimate moment won’t be forgotten after passers-by captured it on video and mobile phone cameras. Yee Haw! The couple was in full view of the busy street below, with people at a bus stop laughing and pointing at the twosome. German traveler Dirk 'I've Never Done That With A Girl' Gonslater, who was staying at an adjacent backpacker hostel that wasn't so horny, was gobsmacked (which is fancy British talk for 'jaw dropping envy') by what he saw when he peered out his window. "I was amazed by it, it was the middle of the day and so many people could see it. It took me almost 4 minutes to get my binoculars and tripod set up so I could not watch it," he said. "I thought it was pretty cool."
~ Gonslater, we know how you feel.
~You know, The Rummiestm were talking and THIS is what we all need nowadays. We need some serious nookie and streaking and other acts of defiance so we can all take a break and get some air. The sense of humor and cheeky fun seems to have gone away with the economy. We say, "Way to go you two horny bastards! Now somebody get up there with a mop!"
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Funny, You Go In Ten Pounds Lighter Than When You Come Out...
LOS ANGELES — In other terrific, uplifting news and just in time for the health care debate we get this little gem: Movie goers who dive into a medium popcorn and a soft drink could be eating the equivalent of three McDonald's quarter-pounder burgers topped with a dozen scoops of butter, {{{{ EWWWW! }}} according to a U.S. study. A laboratory analysis of snacks sold at U.S. cinemas and commissioned by the Center for Science and Public Interest found a medium popcorn and soft drink contained 1,160 calories and three days' worth — 60 grams!!! — of saturated fat.
~ Laundromats are outraged by this report for fear that it will slow their sales of the cleaning special 'Butter Grease Removal From Pants Legs'
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Have A Holly Jolly Christmas...Uh...DUDE!
Where's My Gift ?
LOS ANGELES — Customs officials say they got a surprise when they found 316,000 glass bongs disguised as Christmas ornaments at the Los Angeles harbor. U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents found the highly decorated drug pipes in 860 boxes shipped from China. The cargo, estimated to be worth more than $2.6 million, {{ DUDE !!! }} had been described as glass figures and Christmas ornaments, especially the ones that featured marijuana leaves as cute little picture frames suitable for hanging on the tree. The bongs were seized at the Los Angeles/Long Beach port complex. A customs spokeswoman says the importer, Long Bong Dong, remains under investigation and there have been no arrests. "We'll get to that a little later, okay man? Hey!!! Got any munchies?" a spokesman was quoted as saying. A large office party was planned for the holiday season using the new found booty.
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LOOK! Out in the water! It's a Building! No it's a new Continent! No it's....
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — The world's largest cruise ship arrived in South Florida to the shouts of "Holy Mother-of-Pearl!!!!" The 16-deck Oasis of the Seas docked Friday at Port Everglades in Florida. It had set sail from Finland to Florida in late October. The massive $1.5 billion vessel is five times larger than the Titanic. It has more elevators than the Titanic too. It has 2,700 cabins and can accommodate 6,300 snotty passengers and 2,100 overworked crew members. The ship also features various "neighborhoods" — parks, squares, Mr. Rodgers and arenas with special themes. One of them will be a tropical environment that will include palm trees. The Oasis of the Seas will embark on its first cruise in December.
~ All of us at The Pub can only imagine what a beer costs on this puppy.
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Yes this is real and NO we did not Photoshop it...
Pink, slimy and repellent, the Nomura’s jellyfish is an authentic horror of the deep that's been assaulting Japan. Now the creatures have sunk a 10-ton fishing trawler! The boat was capsized off Chiba in Japan, as its three-man crew was trying to haul in a net containing dozens of huge Nomura's jellyfish. Now the big bitches have drifted into the Sea of Japan, and brought down the Diasan Shinsho-maru (which is Japanese for: 'Plays Poorly With Jellies'). One of the largest jellyfish in the world, the Nomura's jellyfish can grow up to 6 feet in diameter and weigh as much as 400 pounds. That's big. Experts believe weather and water conditions in the breeding grounds, off the coast of China, have been ideal for the jellyfish in recent months.
~ Once again the Chinese are trying to take over the planet! First it's bad baby formula, then lead in the kid's toys, then bad dog food...now huge jelly fish ????
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(JOEL SAGET/AFP/Getty Images)
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Anybody Have A Pin ?
(PORNCHAI KITTIWONGSAKUL/AFP/Getty Images)
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We're All Gonna Die !!!!
but not until later...we have stuff to do on December 12, 2012...
There's been a lot of speculation and fear that the end of the world could coincide with the end of the Mayan calendar on Dec. 21, 2012. Sony's doomsday film "2012," has put a spotlight on the theory. A NASA scientist is trying to quell those fears and has condemned the film. Sony has set up a fake Web site for an organization called the Institute for Idiotic Human Continuity which uses scientific language (aka: big words) and predicts the demise of the Earth. The site suggests "that in 2012 a series of cataclysmic forces will wreak havoc on our planet. Like drastic price reductions on gas and beer." It details what the world will be like after 2012, offers survival kits and asks people to sign up for a lottery to be saved. All of this is a little too realistic for Dr. David Morrison, a senior scientist at
~ Just to be safe we Rummiestm are stocking up on beer because we all know that the end of the world spells 'No More Beer!'
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Yeah Baby....
A beer ad featuring Snow White blowing smoke rings while lying in bed with seven semi-naked dwarfs has reportedly left Disney fuming. The raunchy Jameson's Raspberry Ale ad renamed the fairytale cartoon heroine "Ho White." Lovable Disney dwarfs, like Sleepy, Happy and Doc, were replaced with Filthy, Smarmy and Randy to portray different types of drinkers. Stereo type anyone ???? Why not insult your consumers while you're at it you bunch of morons! Campaign creators The Idiots at the Foundry claimed the idea was to convince Australian drinkers that the fruit-flavoured beer was "anything but sweet". But the ad has come to the attention of the entertainment giant which licenses Snow White, according to Australia's Daily Telegraph. The Foundry says it has had "a little bit of contact" with Disney over the issue, the paper said. The campaign's official website, anythingbutsweet.com, could not be accessed. The Foundry's site had featured pictures of Ho White but links to the campaign appeared to have been disabled. Australia's Food Week website speculated that this may be due to a copyright infringement. Disney was not immediately available for comment.
~ In this case we say to Disney, "Crucify Them!" again we Rummiestm wonder how morons like the Foundry get the jobs they have with blatantly obvious stupid ideas...
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yo quiero Taco Bell ?
Funny...he doesn't look Mexican at all...
A Southern California immigrant rights group asked the Target store chain and a costume company to stop selling an "illegal alien" Halloween costumes it said are offensive to illegal immigrants. NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE FOLKS... 'Illegal Immigrants' find something offensive and want their preferences enforced ???? Ahem...'scuse us but we are focused on the 'illegal' part and the part that says they have a say in the way we do things here in the good old United States of America. The Rummiestm say that if you become a LEGAL U.S. Citizen then maybe you have a right to bitch. However, if you are in this country illegally we say "Shut your pie hole!" The costume features the mask of an possible space alien, not a migrant from Latin America, with a green card and an orange jumpsuit with "illegal alien" written across the front. Angelica, executive director of the Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights of Los Angeles, wrote e-mails to Minneapolis-based Target and Wisconsin-based BuySeasons, Inc. calling the costume "distasteful, mean-spirited, and ignorant of social stigmas and current debate on immigration reform."
~Obviously she didn't get the memo that this is a costume featuring a 'Space Alien' who would ALSO require a Green Card if he wanted to set up camp in the United States of America just like the people who illegally creep into this country in the dark of night (hey legal people do that right ?) from our southern neighbor.
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Uhhhhh...what just happened and why did I wake up at 5 a.m. for this crap ?
A NASA probe that slammed into the moon's south pole managed to spot the artificial crater (otherwise known as a 'hole' but it sounds fancier and more deserving of federal funding) carved into the pristine (??? It's pock marked with other craters okay ???) lunar terrain minutes earlier by its nose job craft. Nevertheless, scientists have not yet confirmed if the two crashes kicked up a giant plume containing any signs of water ice — a main goal and a major bummer for all the geeks (including all of us at The Pub at 7:30 EDT). NASA's Lcross spacecraft slammed a 2.2-ton empty rocket stage — the equivalent of a sport utility vehicle which it was built from — into a crater called Cabeus at 7:31 a.m. EDT and recorded the resulting explosion just before making its own death dive and crater four minutes later.
~ Hopes were high here at The Pub and all over the world that the impact might send some crap up and out in a Fourth of July kind of spectacle but all we got was a shot of a couple of guys and one dude who needed a shave and probably a bath clapping for something. Maybe because it was over ? Okay, all of us Rummiestm have to ask this one bearing question that in line with the idiots inhabiting the Earth who seem to make all the decisions... The moon controls our Earth's orbit. Why in hell are we shooting things at it ???? That's like cutting the branch you are sitting on. We all agree...WTF ?
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SAY IT AIN'T SO...
~ That was one of the news bureau's stupid jokes. Ours are much funnier. We can't believe that this is the way to celebrate The Simpsons 20th Anniversary, the longest running cartoon sitcom in history. However, times are hard and we are guessing that it was bound to happen. Oh Marge...
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DAMN !
CASSELTON, N.D. — Boomer may be a buster: Measuring 3 feet tall at the shoulders and 7 feet long from nose to destructive wagging tail, he might be the world's tallest living dog. Owner Caryn Weber says her 3-year-old Landseer Newfoundland keeps all four paws on the floor when he drinks from the kitchen faucet in her family's eastern North Dakota farm house. Boomer stares into car windows eye to eye with drivers. A 20-pound bag of dry dog food lasts the 180-pound canine a couple of weeks. Weber says her furry black and white dog "comes into the house and his tail is so high everything gets knocked around." Weber plans to send Boomer's measurements to Guinness World Records. The previous record holder was a nearly 4-foot-tall Great Dane that croaked this summer. -AP
~ We didn't have anything funny to say about a giant pooch. We were all just amazed at his size...7 feet ??? Our Pub dogs are 5 feet and that makes them pretty big... Which reminds us of the joke: Where does Boomer take a nap ? Anywhere the hell he wants too!
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(Trisch, Julie & Olna...Rummiestm)
Captain Hardcrabs' Pub Celebrates 27 Years!
A good time was had by all! Of course these young ladies were helping out by improving the scenery and draining the kegs. It is truly amazing how petite young ladies can pack away more brew than most of the usual Rummiestm.
Thanks to all for a really memorable celebration!
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WTF ?????
Two pilots have been grounded after they left their cockpit mid-flight to trade punches with crew members in front of stunned passengers. ??? Severe turbulence broke out on the Air India flight after an air hostess accused the men of sexual harassment. We're thinking 'issues'... The 120 passengers watched as the pair left the jet controls to brawl in the aisle with the crew. As the slug fest escalated the pilots threatened to divert the jet to Pakistan because they wanted cheeseburgers and they had friends to 'back them up' against the flight attendants. Air India said the two pilots had been de-rostered (which is fancy airline talk for fired and lowered a few castes and an investigation has been been launched.
~ We are at a loss... Some Rummies think 'PMS', but we're not going there.....
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?
~ We are not quite sure what is going on here but all of us Rummiestm have to wonder how an idiot like this avoids security and an ass punch for wearing this outfit. Obviously he isn't prepared to have his ass handed to him in a sling seeing as how there is no visual evidence of 'cuppage'. Our feeling is Tiger should have whipped out the 9 iron and put that ball 'on the green' if you know what we mean...We love the Brett Farve look-a-like standing next to the lime man with a beer in one hand and a look of "I could make time with that chick over there...maybe I could nut punch Greenie..."
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Not Our Doing
Men get ready to start a drunken, stupid swimming competition on inflatable sex dolls 'Rubber Baba Challenge' (Rubber Women Challenge) outside Siberian city of Novosibirsk where vodka replaces water and common sense. Men competed in an open water swimming on sex dolls during a day off of drinking twelve bottles of vodka instead of the usual 15. (Photo by ALEXANDER KRYAZHEV/AFP/Getty Images)
~ Regardless of what you may have been told, Captain Hardcrabs' Pub does NOT sponsor this swimming festival. We have more dignity. No one would ever be allowed to wear mankinis.
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It all started in Glamour's September issue with a photo of "the girl on page 194." The tiny photo of plus-size model Lizzie Miller with her natural-looking belly roll showing began a deluge of letters to the magazine declaring it "the most amazing photograph I've ever seen in any women's magazine." Due to the overwhelming response, Glamour took the conversation a step further in its November issue, on newsstands October 6, commissioning Matthias Vriens-McGrath to shoot plus-size models Lizzie Miller, Crystal Renn, Kate Dillon, among others, in a style similar to what Herb Ritts did with nude supermodels in the 1980s.
~ Frankly all of us Rummiestm LOVE it! Way to go ladies!
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They Call Him 'The Hammer'...
Firefighters dodged sparks when they had to saw through a metal ring into which a man had inserted his penis. He used the weight in effort to make his winker longer, but it got stuck for three days! The man, whom authorities declined to identify for obvious reasons (you can spot him by the giant bulge in his pants) had apparently put his penis through the hole of a steel, ring-shaped dumbbell weight fastener, two or three days earlier. The device got stuck, and he couldn’t remove it. His penis had blackened and swollen to five times its normal size. "Helllloooo Ladies!" In order to remove the ring, firefighters had to use a saw to cut through it.
“His comment was, ‘This will make me the chief of my tribe,’” said the Battalion Chief. The man thought the weight would make his dick longer, but what he did to it almost rendered it useless. “He was kind of a wingnut” authorities said.
~ Yeah his nuts almost got wings...
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Second Life for Dad's Old Clothes!
Indonesia's heaviest-ever newborn drew curious crowds to a hospital where the boy named Akbar — or the Great Big Pooper in Arabic — came into the world at a record 19.2 pounds! He was texting on the way out of the womb and his last message was apparently, "Gtta Run Smthngs tuggn my leg. LOL"
Akbar Risuddin was born in a 40-minute Cesarean delivery that was complicated because of his unusual weight and size and the crane that had to be positioned to lift Little Giant out, Dr. Binsar Sitanggang Kooblikanmarroca said.
"I'm very happy that my baby and his mother are in good health," father Muhammad Hasanuddin which is Arabic for 'Man With Large Sperm' said Friday. "I hope I can afford to feed the baby enough, because he needs more milk than other babies and the cattle will have to go without so Akbar can eat..."
~ The mother's reaction after the birth? "Ahhhhhhh...gimme a Mars bar!"
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Better Get The Swiffer...
Sydney, Australia, was coated by the most intense dust storm in 70 years on Sept. 23, blanketing the city in red Outback dust and pieces of kangaroo and bloomin onions. Flights were diverted and ferries were cancelled and tissues outsold beer for first time in recorded history due to the storm, which reduced visibility in the city to a bare minimum. The dust storm was visible from space, and moved on to New Zealand after sweeping across Australia.
~ How To Speak Australian: "Cough cough cough"
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All This Time We Thought It Was For Love, Closeness & Fun...
For every woman expecting the earth to move, there are two (1-2) with more practical motives. From relieving boredom, to keeping the peace or curing a headache, women have sex for many reasons, but romance and passion come rather low on the list, a new book has revealed. One woman even admitted to having sex just so her husband would take the trash out. "Research has shown most men find most women at least somewhat sexually attractive, whereas most women do not find most men sexually attractive at all," said the authors of Why Women Have Sex, Cindy Meston and David Buss. Having apparently discounted physical attraction, the 1,000 women interviewed by the Texas University professors gave a huge range of reasons for sleeping with a man. One said she did it for a spiritual experience, proclaiming: "It's the closest thing to God." Our guess is her mate must be rather, ahem...'endowed'. But mostly the explanations were far more mundane, with 84 percent admitting to having sex just to ensure a quiet life or to bargain for household chores. "I have sex to relieve the boredom because it's easier than fighting," said one woman in the study. "Plus it gives me something to do."
~ She sounds like a real wild cat.
While We Are On The Subject of Gittin It On...
Mmmmmmmm...tuna
Gillian M., a holistic nutritionist says omega-3 fats are good for those who suffer from erectile dysfunction aka: 'It's Fallen & I Can't Get It Up!' Mr. M. said eating oily fish such as mackerel, tuna or sardines two to three times a week will help you not only smell like shit but bulk you up on those anti-inflammatory omega-3's, give you a giant priapismic boner but also make you incredibly sexy to the opposite sex who crave a man who reeks of dead fish. Have at it lads! Girls want pirates for sure!
Popeye was not only 'into his Olive Oil' but right when it came to spinach. The leafy green is a great source of iron and calcium. In case you were wondering, muscles need calcium to spasm and contract which is, according to comic book reading wiener docs, a huge factor in sex. We just have a problem thinking about old Popeye laying down the law with bony Olive.
You've heard that old chestnut: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's because apple growers hate doctors and apples contain quercertin something or other, a flavanoid that's been shown to prevent the growth of your prostate (that's that nut you need poked every few years to keep you alive) and prostate cancer cells, which can really put a damper on your libido, not to mention your life!
Avocados are vital to a sex boosting diet. Not only do they contain high levels of folic acid, which help boost energy, but they also contain vitamin B6, a nutrient that increases male and female hormone production (and other kinds of avocados but those are the kind that need diapers and cry alot and eventually need braces and college tuition) and vitamin E, which puts the 'E' in E-RECTION and is vital for overall sexual function, according to Mr. M. So break out the guacamole! Avocados are vital to this sex boosting diet and really funky when you smear them all over your mate and, well, you know... start snacking. Not only do they contain high levels of folic acid, the avocados not your significant other, which help boost energy, but they also contain vitamin B6, a nutrient that increases male and female hormone production, which we all know is the root of a good night, and vitamin E, which is vital for overall sexual function. So break out the guacamole (which we noticed this stupid article already said. We're thinking the writer might be 'gittin in the mood....')
Hmmmmm..... s-h-a-p-e ?
If you want to boost your mood and possibly your sex drive go monkey shit and try eating bananas. The fruit is not only rich in the alkaloid compound called bufo (sort of like BOFF-O!) tenine, which helps improve your mood, especially when blended in a pitcher of rum daiquiris, but bananas are also rich in vitamin B69, which helps regulate testosterone levels which we aren't quite sure what that means but the Rummiestm are guessing the smell of bananas makes things exotic at first but then grosses the crap out of your mate as he or she wriggles out from under the sheets post coitus...maybe it's just us...
Oh and bananas make you fart that 'After Glow' fart that reeks so bad it assures an absolute 'No Encore!'
After You Are Done 'Naming Their Holes'...
The smell of cinnamon buns and cinnamon on buns always conjures up some sort of memory, but sex?! Hell yeah! Who hasn't fantasized about a good old fashioned Christmas romp knocking over the tree and gettin jiggy with a Santa's-Helper-costumed-woman waving a candy cane ??? Ooops...sorry. We got carried away. Ahem!.... Well why else to we have shit like missletoe and wassail and booze infused egg nog that could knock out a large beast of burden ? Stockings and fires ? C'Mon... We Rummiestm say that's a cocktail for some serious holiday packages! Anyway, the horny little Chinese believe this popular spice "tones" the kidneys to produce a strong flow of energy... uh, aren't kidneys supposed to make you pee ? And that's not all. A little cinnamon aromatherapy has also been shown to "arouse" the senses of all relatives who venture into your house around the holidays conversely assuring no nookie until the holidays are over, which to all of us Rummiestm equals 'No Nookie Till The Folks Leave'.
So drive safely with these sex inducing foods friends!
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Frankly we can't even imagine that this product was ever invented or even out there but hey, what do we know ? The Rummiestm spit beer all over the bar when this commercial came on TV.
(click on the link above to see for yourself)
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"Pour Some Sugar On Meeeeeee........"
A father-of-two has spoken of his disgust after spotting fruity cartoon characters appearing to have sex on SWEET wrappers. Simon Simpkins (who's name is just too ready for an insert-joke-here-moment) was buying Haribo MAOAM sour candies for his children when he noticed the 'pornographic' illustrations of limes, lemons and cherries romping with each other. Mr Simpkins, of Pontefract, West Yorkshire, said: 'The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter. 'The lime, whom I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face.' He said: 'I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park.' A spokesman for Haribo said the 'fun' packaging of the sweets was introduced in Germany 2002 and added: 'This jovial MAOAM man is very popular with fans, both young and old.'
~ What can we say that the candy illustrations haven't already said ? The lime is obviously Bi-Fruitable. He swings both ways on the fruit tree. We're just wondering if the candies have a cream center.
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This Is The Kind Of Museum We Like To Visit!
Model Kathleen Neill, 26, was busted among the other classic nudes at the Metropolitan Museum of Art for posing naked. Cops charged her with public lewdness. Aw...Ya bunch of prudes !!!! She's the latest project of photographer Zach Hyman, who makes a habit of shooting nude models in public places. "Everything was going perfect until the very end," said Hyman. "Then it became a worst-case scenario." But not exactly unexpected — since he acknowledges having his lawyer on speed dial and bail money handy whenever he does a shoot naturally. This was the first time any of his models got arrested. The prudish guard in the Arms and Armor gallery explained, "I had to make sure that girl was turned over to the police. There were little kids in here watching the whole thing!"
~ We have a couple of Rummytm questions: Chiefly, What the hell is that mother thinking standing there with her kid while this naked woman does her thing, not that we are against a little 'Horn Doggin'? Secondly, what ever happened to a blanket, a slap on the ass and a "Don't do that again..." kind of thing? We only hope Hyman lets us know when his next project is so we can stand professionally by and 'observe'.
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Pass The Sunscreen Will Ya ? I'm Gettin A Lil' Dry...
A well-preserved 4,500-year-old skeleton of a man was found on a beach south of Rome, Italian police report. The man is believed to be a warrior killed by an arrow in the chest or maybe it was the medallion found on him that read 'Trojan Stallion'. Six small vases full of sunscreen and tropical oils were also found buried near the man. "We thought it was that of a Roman solider, what with the Trojan souvenir beach towel under him and all, but then the experts identified Bonezy as dating back to the third millennium B.C. which makes supporting USC college football a very old hobby," said Raffaele 'I Love The Beach Skeletons' Mancino, an official who oversees Italy's cultural heritage. Mr. Bones also still had in his possession a set of Roman chariot keys, a pack of Roman condoms and a clay bottle of water with a label on it that read, 'Aqueduct Pure'. The skeleton was discovered under a USC beach umbrella during a routine air patrol of areas of archaeological interest.
~ What we Rummiestm want to know is how in the hell does anyone spot a skeleton on a beach, from an airplane ????
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Just Think...This Guy Probably Shares The Freeways With All Of Us....
NEW YORK — Firefighters had to risk their lives and rescue a dumb ass from the Hudson River after he climbed off a Manhattan pier and tried to swim to the USS Intrepid, a World War II-era aircraft carrier. Firefighters say the young 65-year-old swimmer appeared to be intoxicated. Gee, we were thinking he might have wanted to enlist. A firefighter, at risk of getting his head stuck in a submerged mattress spring, went into the water on a rope and helped the stupid shit climb a ladder to safety. Authorities say the man was taken to a hospital for observation and treatment for minor injuries. The Intrepid is now a floating museum, tied up at a berth on Manhattan's West Side.
~We Rummiestm laugh at the condition he would have been in had he gotten to the side of the carrier considering the barnacles. Our guess is he didn't feel like paying to visit the museum.
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I Believe I Can Fly....
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Hey Honey! Are we having a cookout tonight ???
MOUNT PLEASANT, Wis. — One southern Wisconsin homeowner is probably not in love with the Oscar Mayer wiener. The famed hot dog's Wienermobile crashed into the deck and garage of a home in Mount Pleasant. Police say the driver was trying to turn the Wienermobile around in the driveway (she was trying to back her weiner up) and thought she was moving in reverse. Duh! The 'R' means Reverse the 'D' means Drive and the 'E' on the little gas pump thingie does NOT mean 'ENOUGH'... But she instead went forward and hit the home. It sat in the driveway as if it were stuck in the garage. No one was home and no one was injured. No citations were immediately issued. Both the home and vehicle suffered moderate damage, which an Oscar Mayer spokeswiener said insurance will cover. Ya think ? Oscar Mayer also stated that they informed the young female driver that they would have to take her wiener away immediately.
~ We Rummiestm say "leave it there". It's an improvement to the house. We love the four-million watt security light, the color of the house and all the weeds. Let's hear it for 'Curb Appeal'.
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Shibal !! I Gonna Need A Cass Maekju affa driss...
Here we see great efforts as North Korea prepares to launch another missile just to show it can sort of get one up and out there somewhere over the sea. This baby is expected to get at least a couple of miles if the discounted priced D cell rocket engines hold. This is another North Korean attempt at breaking the Guinness Book of World Records for Who Can Get the World Closer to Nuclear Annihilation. Reports have it Kim Jung Il is pacing back and forth in his minimalist cubicle muttering "Gaesaekki dul jokka ra kuh hae" hoping to get the record before he kicks off in his own little psychotic afterlife. Sources report that a free sandwich was offered to anyone who lit the fuse.
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They Are Not Holes...They Are BALLS! But we guess 'Name Our Balls' might imply something...
Okay so on the current track of 'The Demise of Society', Hardees is advancing the newest trend of food porn by asking for you to "NAME OUR HOLES!" in reference to their doughnut holes. Here's the link in case you've been living in a cave.
The Rummiestm at The Pub were all wondering if this takes it one step too far. Scroll down for another pathetic attempt at lewd marketing with the 'BK Seven Incher'. We think that the ad executives at these places are either really horny and hard-up or just plain idiots. We don't mind a crude joke or some salty talk but this ad by Hardees has us all a little weirded out. Name our holes? C'mon.
~ For a VERY funny take on this issue click this link. Be sure to read the comments readers are leaving.
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But Can You Fetch A Cold Beer From The Comfort Of The Sofa Without Having To Get Up ?
Later this summer, anybody anywhere will have the ability to physically move stuff with their minds like characters do in "Star Wars." A new toy that harnesses the same technology doctors use to monitor brain waves will arrive in stores in August. The toy moves when it senses a change in the user's brain-wave patterns. "It's pretty cutting-edge," says Obi Wan Adler, executive vice president of Uncle Milton Industries, the toy company that manufactures the "Star Wars"-branded Force Trainer. "It certainly appears to be where things are headed." It will be if the reaction from 5-year-old "Star Wars" fanatic Darth Mogg is any indication. Mogg tried out the Force Trainer at a recent "Star Wars" toy fair. In less than a minute, he was controlling the rise and fall of a pingpong ball in a clear tube — with his brain waves. "It's like what Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul do!" he said afterward with a big grin.
~ Okay doesn't this seem kind of creepy to anyone ?
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Wow! A Seven Incher.....
An advertisement for Burger King's latest sandwich leaves little to the imagination and it has been requested to be discontinued due to "distasteful" and unappetizing references to oral sex. The print ad for the "BK Super Seven Incher" — a limited time promotion in Singapore, a society known around the world for its strict government controls of social conduct — shows the "mind-blowing" sandwich near the open mouth of a wide-eyed, red-lipsticked woman accompanied by the suggestive tagline: "It'll blow your mind away." "Fill your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled," the ad continues. Mark D., an advertising copyrighter at a major New York City firm, said the advertisement is among the "worst" he's ever seen in more than 17 years of industry experience. "I've seen a lot of sexual innuendo ads and this is about the worst, especially for something as mainstream as Burger King. I was a little repulsed by it. It's really misogynistic to women and it's also unappetizing."
~ And we Rummiestm at The Pub wonder how people get jobs like that. We suspect a 'Horn Dog' was working late one night at BK Advertising with something on his mind.....................
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Quit Moaning and Get To Work!
An unidentified man,because they all look alike, stood at center of tons of bags of laundry, praying for help among the tons of laundry he was assigned to do as a favor to a ruling cleric at the Tehran University campus in Tehran, Iran. "Batla moka bubba doook shnedldum biscotti coe moo moo!" (I have no idea how I can get my work done! I have not enough detergent for this! This is just too much laundry! May the flees of a thousand camels infest their armpits for this un-Alla-ly load of laundry!) A senior Iranian cleric called Friday for harsh punishment for anyone who tries to wash his socks with colors. G8 foreign ministers meeting in Italy urged Iran's rulers to seek a peaceful resolution to the tense two-week confrontation over the disputed laundry issue.
~Damn! Their rules are harsh! Maybe they should try the 'Ancient Chinese Secret'...
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That's Gonna Leave A Mark....
Wesley Silcox, of Santaquin, Utah, gets thrown from 'High Witts' shit-covered bull-butt during the bull riding competition at the Reno Rodeo at the Reno Livestock Events Center in Reno, Nev which is in Reno...seriously....Reno.
How many times can you use the word Reno in a sentence ?
~ The Rummiestm were all shaking their collective heads at The Pub wondering why people do this to themselves. Seriously, it's either a case of machismo (because we think it's scary as shit) gone wild or a death wish. We don't even like the idea of walking up to pet one of these giant steak purveyors much less get on his angry ass and try to hang on.
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'Stoned' Henge 
STONEHENGE, England — Thousands of neo-Druids, Fans of Spinal Tap, New Age followers and the merely wasted flocked to Stonehenge on Sunday, beating drums, chanting and dancing in celebration of the longest day of the year. The ancient stone circle at the prehistoric monument in southern England is the site of an annual night-long party — or religious ceremony, depending on perspective — marking the northern hemisphere's summer solstice.
Police arrested about 30 people on charges including drug offenses, assault and drunk and disorderly conduct.
~ "It's Like Whoa man! The rocks man, they like, speak to you. Or maybe that was stomach. I'm really hungry dude. Got any munchies?"
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"Mother F*+#&%R !!!"
New York has overtaken Miami to be voted the U.S. city with the angriest and most aggressive drivers, according to a survey on road rage. Miami topped the annual poll for the last four years but voters in 25 major metropolitan areas gave New Yorkers the prize for angriest, most aggressive drivers who tailgate, speed, honk their horns, overreact and lose their tempers. "Fuh get about dit! Yuzz guys can't drive on a f*#*n wet leaf!"
The response of New Yorkers to bad drivers also helped push the city into the top slot for road rage. "New Yorkers were most likely to wave their fists or arms. They were most likely to lay on the horn and they were most likely to make some sort of obscene gesture," said Michael Bush, of the marketing and consulting company Affinion Group, which commissioned the survey while they tailgated mercilessly to gather the data.
~The Rummiestm wonder what the 'obscene gesture' is. We are guessing it might be the longest finger on the hand maybe ????
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Okay How 'Bout We Call You Ms. Bitch ?
Aside from a briefly worded statement about a "friendly" conversation she had with Brig. Gen. Michael Walsh after dressing him down for calling her "ma'am," Boxer remained silent Friday in the face of growing calls for her to apologize. Walsh, with the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers, was testifying during a hearing before Boxer's Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works when he summoned the audacity to call the California senator "ma'am." Boxer immediately interrupted him before he could answer one of her questions.
"You know, do me a favor," a clearly agitated Boxer said. "Could you say 'senator' instead of 'ma'am?"
"Yes, ma'am," Walsh replied.
"It's just a thing, I worked so hard to get that title, so I'd appreciate it, yes, thank you," she said.
"Yes, senator," he answered.
But Walsh was following military protocol, which advises officers to use "sir" or "ma'am" when addressing anyone higher than them on the chain of command.
~ We thinks that Ms. Boxer is having an 'Elitist Senior Moment'... Where's the Pamprin?
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The Captain Hardcrabs' Pub Official Limo
A classic toy car is being inducted into an auto museum in Cleveland - and it outsold every other car in the U.S. in 2008! The Cozy Coupe, a plastic cherry-red sports car, allows toddlers to sit on a bench-style seat and poke their legs through to the ground Fred Flintstone Style. When they start walking, the car begins to go. On Saturday, it will take its place next to historically significant automobiles at the Crawford Auto-Aviation Museum. The Cozy Coupe sold 457,000 units in 2008, topping the Toyota Camry and Honda Accord. In the '90s, it outsold both the Accord and Ford Taurus. It would land in the top-20 best-selling models of all time, if considered, having sold more than 10 million units in its 30-year history.
~ The Rummiestm LOVE their Cozy Coupes! How else would any of us get home at 3 am ?
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Trying To 'Compensate' For Something Comrad ?
The largest, most expensive private yacht in history — complete with its own swimming pool, mini-submarine and missile defense system — may soon be coming to a marina near you. The $490 million Eclipse is the latest display of wealth from Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich. The personal yacht is chock full of safety features for the Chelsea soccer team boss, including Abramovich’s armor-plated master suite and the bullet-proof windows. As well as a mini-submarine that doubles as an escape pod.
At 557 feet long, the ship overshadows the next-largest luxury yacht, a 525-footer owned by Dubai ruler Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum.~ And you wonder why gas prices are so high........
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GO AWAY ALREADY!
Okay it's too easy to 'Dog Pile' on a person who is in controversy in the public eye but who are we kidding here...We took an informal poll 'round The Pub the other day and it was unanimous: WE ARE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THIS!
WHO CARES ?
This is a ridiculous and not to mention a dead story. We are sick of having Carrie jammed down our throats every time we flick on the telly. When we are sitting at The Pub we want to see fun stuff, sports, travel you name it. Being force-fed yesterday's drama queen is getting b-o-r-i-n-g. Less than a month after being told by Donald 'Mr. Comb Over' Trump that she can keep her Miss California crown, Carrie Prejean was fired. Hey it was Trump who okay'd the firing. Go figure. The producers of the Miss California USA pageant cited continued breach of contract issues as the reason for Prejean's firing. Not because she did what most of us Rummiestm like and appreciate which is show off her miniture fake boobs. "This was a decision based solely on contract violations not fake boobs. After a press conference in New York we had hoped we would be able to forge a better working relationship." (Read As: We hoped we could salvage some kind of lucrative marketing that didn't involve nudity, personal opinion or boobies that could make us a ton of money but since she will make 1000x that paltry sum going all-out nude for Penthouse we are guessing we can't keep up.) "However, since that time it has become abundantly clear that Carrie has no desire to fulfill her obligations under our contract and work together.” Would you ?
~Again... WHO CARES ?
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Uh Dude.... Maybe it might be time to shell out a few bucks for cable or a dish....
NEW YORK — More than 2 million morons are in danger of seeing their major broadcast TV channels disappear into a fuzz of static resulting in a lot of hitting and beating of perfectly good television sets when analog service ends Friday, according to surveys. That is nearly half the number of idiots that were unready in February, when most analog TV broadcasts were originally scheduled to be turned off. The shutdown was delayed for four months. Research firm SmithGeiger LLC said Thursday that about 2.2 million households were still unprepared around the beginning of June because they were determined to be a lazy bunch of toothless canaries. Said one viewer, "I ain't gonna buy no cable or satelight tv stuff. Mah anteners is doin' jiss fahn. Hell they ain't gonna take away mah game shows no how!"
~We removed our rabbitt ears a long time ago and used them to make s'mores at the Captain Hardcrabs' Pub Tiki Bar Fire Pit. Got great reception too....
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Is Ciabata Bread Suppossed To Have a Reddish Tint ?
MADRID — A Spanish trade union is suing a bakery that allegedly threw the severed arm of an employee into a bin after it was amputated in an accident with a kneading machine. The Workers Commissions said in a statement that Bolivian immigrant Franns Rilles lost his left arm May 28 at the Rovira bakery in the eastern Valencia region. The union said that while Rilles was being taken to a hospital someone tossed his arm into the garbage. (of course, I mean c'mon, wouldn't you? That thing was yucky...) It says the bakery then cleaned the machinery and continued production with a special on Monkey Bread Knots featuring Fresh Shorn Arm Pieces. Police found the arm the next day after they reported the bagels 'tasted a bit off', the union said, but doctors were unable to reattach it due to putrification and general decay and the crows that were picking at it in the alley. The union said Rilles had worked illegally at the factory for two years, earning $32 a day, and had not been properly trained on the kneading machinery. Now Rilles will be 'kneading' a different kind of 'attachment'.
~Sounds to us Rummiestm that Rilles , even illegal, gave an arm and a leg for his shit paying job.
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Gives New Meaning To 'Bringin Home The Bacon...'
This giant feral pig was shot on a Pilbara, Australia, cattle station after it was spotted eating a dead cow. Sources close to the family of the man in the photo have confirmed he is Pilbara pastoralist (whatever the fuck that is) John Anick and the picture was taken on his property three years ago. The family refused to talk about the giant boar, for fear that illegal pig hunters would flock to the area and want some free BBQ. The source said the beast was eating a cow when it was first seen by workers mustering cattle in a helicopter. Now what the hell cows are doing in a helicopter is beyond anyone here at the bar. Mr Anick saw it again on a trip to check windmills during breaks with his audio book of Cervantes' 'Don Quixote' while checking the property and shot it. "I can vouch 100 percent, I don't even have to say 90 percent because 100 percent says it all and that's a lot more than 90 percent I am pretty sure, that it [the photo] was taken in the Pilbara (?????) and it is who I said it is," the source said. "That damn pig tasted just like cow chicken!"
~ That's Some Pig . Yep Some Pig...
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We Can't Wait To See The 'Wieners-On-A-Stick' !
China is building its first sexually explicit theme park (Yeah !!! Just what China needs; Lessons on how to procreate), and the giant genitalia sculptures and suggestive exhibits are getting many people hot and bothered in a country where talking about sex is still taboo. And you should see the drinking fountains! Love Land is set to open in October in the southwestern metropolis of Chongqing and will feature exhibitions about sexual history and how to use condoms properly. It will also host sex technique workshops, the China Daily newspaper said. A picture of the main entrance shows a signboard bearing the park's name being straddled by a giant pair of women's legs topped by a red thong. Sadly the entire amusement park was bulldozed shortly after Captain Hardcrabs' Pub Web Site illuminated the world to it's inception and is now a flat, barren lot with lots of condoms and toilets that look like female genatalia strewn about.
~ And here we thought the cotton candy on a dildo was pushing it...
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A Must For Every Home !
We spotted this ad in a magazine and it left all of us Rummiestm scratching our heads. Just why in the hell would you need this product ?
Protect your washer dryer from scratches, dust, stains and chips with this water-resistant plastic cover. The quilted top even provides protection when the machine is used as a sort of catch-all shelf. Ideal if your basement or garage serves as your laundry room. Where else would you do your laundry ? Open-back design won’t catch on plumbing or exhaust pipe. Creepy, mass murderer look included.
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HEY! How's That 'Hope & Change' working out for you ?
I Could Have Been President Damn it! But I'll settle for this neato eagle thing on the podium...
Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass. a card holding member of the 'I Got Al Gore Close To Being The President', flanked by Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai, and Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari, stops his boring babble when he heard the Captain Hardcrabs was on the phone asking if he wanted to settle his 4 month old bar bill. Karzai suggested Kerry clear the bill quickly to avoid "any unpleasantness".
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You have my Captain Hardcrabs' Stadium cup yes ????
May 8: King Abdullah II of Jordan, 3rd left, and Queen Hottie Rania of Jordan, left, walk with Pope Benedict XVI (the guy in the white table cloth), on his arrival in Amman, Jordan in his quest for the Holy Grail of Pubdom. Pope Benedict XVI begins a week long tour in the Middle East with french fries, TIVO and those nifty little pasta thingies filled with cheese. His tour also includes Jordan and Israel, and the Palestinian territories but just for the souvenir mugs.
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Would You Text On A Train...or In A Plane ?
On a Boat in a Moat, or on a Tree with a Flea?
BOSTON — A trolley rear-ended another trolley that was stopped between two underground stations in downtown Boston on Friday night, injuring about 50 people, and one of the conductors told police he was texting at the time of the crash, officials said. About 100 people were evacuated, and 49 were taken to area hospitals, but officials said their injuries did not appear to be life-threatening. The 24-year-old operator of the moving trolley, who was the most seriously injured, admitted to police that he was sending text messages from his cell phone when the accident occurred, Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority said.
~ His last text message was: "Dudes, like I'm totally screaming down the pipe and I just cannot wait for the Star Trek movie tonight! See ya ther.... {{{AHHHHHHHHHHH}}}}}} CONCLUSION: MORON
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Hey are you guys bored? Let's Panic The People of New York!
Louis Caldera, the moron who approved the low-flying Air Force One plane that panicked New York City, delivered his resignation. Hey there's a surprise. President O-bumma has accepted the resignation with a tear in his eye. Caldera apologized and kissed butt the day after the April 27 incident that sent New Yorkers out into the streets as the 747 followed by two F-16s flew low over the Manhattan skyline. In his resignation letter, the former Army secretary said that he has concluded that the controversy surrounding the photo shoot "has made it impossible for me to effectively lead the White House Military Office due to all the head shaking and snickering. Moreover, it has become a distraction to the important work you are doing as president." In other words "I am sick and tired of taking heat for being such a stupid shit. "After much reflection and bourbon, I believe it is incumbent on me to tender my resignation and step down as director of the White House Military Office so I can go hide in Montana and fish for pike." he wrote.
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BANGOR, Maine — A British woman allegedly had an in-flight meal of prescription drugs, wine and liquid soap — before trying to bite the crew of a London-bound jetliner. Galina Rusanova punched and kicked flight attendants on the Chicago-based United Airlines flight after downing two or three bottles of wine, prescription drugs and liquid soap from the jet's lavatory, prosecutors said. As the scuffle escalated, Rusanova snapped "like a dog" ( which makes no sense since the expression is most likely 'snapped like a twig') while trying to bite an attendant, prosecutors said. The FBI said the Russian-born London idiot had gone to Los Angeles to visit a man she met over the Internet and was returning Wednesday when her flight was diverted to Bangor. Ironic when you consider she probably went to L.A. to get 'Bangor-ed'.
~ Our guess is the Internet romance didn't pan out so well but at least her breath smelled 'soapy'....
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Get a load of these 'Builder Blunders'!
This must be a real bitch in the wee hours!
*
A good way to put that 4 wheel drive to test
~We Rummiestm want to know how they actually pour concrete this way. How do they make it stick ?
*
We'll give you a second to figure it out....
actually we suspect a photoshop moment but hey, who are we to judge?
*
Uh yea................
Anyone see a problem here ?
Another photoshop moment for sure. Nobody could be THAT stupid. Oh wait, yes they probably could!
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The Rummiestm favorite by Bar Vote*
*Results are tabulated by the official firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe
*
We're thinking the monitor from the camera is v-e-r-y boring....
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Skeleton, skeleton sittin in a tree... Kay-I-Ess-Ess-I-En-Gee.....
A skeleton of a German man who creatively shot and killed himself in a tree has been found by a hiker – nearly 30 years later. Police said the 69-year-old really retiree who had been missing since 1980 tied himself to the tree before firing the gun. His remains were discovered after an 18-year-old hiker found a bone in the forest last week and brought it to police, who then searched the area. "We found the skeleton up in the tree with the pistol hanging on a rope next to it. Apparently the pistol hung itself after the firing probably due to stress." police were quoted as saying. The body was identified through DNA testing and an artificial hip with an inscription to call an 800 number if found hanging in a tree.
~ Of course the authorities left out whether the skeleton was wearing a Santa suit or not.
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Yabba Dabba Doo!
Tata (what a great name for a company. "I work for Tatas!") Sons Chairman Ratan Tata poses with Nano at its launch in Mumbai, India. Tata Motors is launching its snub-nosed Nano today in Mumbai, a vehicle meant to put car ownership within reach of millions of the world's poor. The Nano, starting at about $1,980, is 10.2 feet long, has one windshield wiper, a 623cc rear engine, and a diminutive, which means too small for anything greater than a Twinkie, trunk.
The similarities are c-r-e-e-p-y....................
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Where You Headed At ??? Were'd The Protest Be ? Yo! I Can't See Mutha Fucka...
Taxi drivers protest a new bus system they fear will drive them out of their jobs in Johannesburg, South Africa. Police say they fired rubber bullets at taxi drivers, which of course is the natural thing to do in South Africa, who blockaded roads leading into central Johannesburg to protest a new bus system. Police spokesman Govindsamy 'I Am Sick Of Taxi Drivers' Mariemuthoo said police had to disperse thousands of taxi drivers who had converged on main highways causing a massive taxi cab shortage and a large traffic jam of bus riding people. Many taxi dudes were armed with sticks and bricks which we all know is the best defense against rubber bullets, troops and well...guns.
~ An informal poll around The Pub told us if you want to make some kind of political statement you don't show up half dressed wearing novelty google glasses if you want anyone to take you seriously.
Our Dedication To Gravity
That's gonna leave a mark.
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Dudes...I think I Ate Too Much...I'm Gonna Skip The Kegger Tonight
Josh Kowalczyk, an intern with the West Michigan Whitecaps School of Cardiology, in Comstock Park, Mich., poses with a $ 20 burger that features a sesame-seed bun made from a pound of dough, five 1/3-pound beef patties, five slices of cheese, nearly a cup of chili {{{burp}}} and liberal doses of salsa and corn chips. Since this monster food hit the Whitecaps' stadium, attendance (as seen) has risen to an all-time high of 2 (Josh & the camera man). Word on the street is that this puppy (the burger not Josh) is also known as 'The Clogger'. Basically it's a pile of food that is just short of being presented in a bucket with everything all swirled around together without stomach acid. Mmmmmm... just makes you hungry thinking about this load working it's magic on your insides doesn't it.
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WOW Muffy! This Meal Has Made Me Feel So Energized!
Police in Spain have seized a 42-piece dinner set with a difference — it's made entirely out of cocaine! We bet you can't find that kind of place setting at Pottery Barn. The 45-pound consignment — plates, cups, pots and saucers, oh my — was intercepted after a tip-off about a suspicious package which had been sent from Maracaibo, where ever the hell that is but is doesn't sound like a plate making place. Police said that the drugs were meant to have been reprocessed and sold in northeast Spain as cereal straws where the user could suck up other drugs then munch, munch, munch! The “crockery set” of compressed cocaine was the latest ruse in an increasingly ingenious smuggling operation as disguised packages become one of the favored methods for dealers to smuggle the Class A drug to Europe from countires such as Colombia, Brazil and Venezuela. The biggest problem officials fear is not being able to find replacement patterns.
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Comes With An Old Shopping Cart To Push Down The Street...
Just Frost & Toss! Transform poop patrol duties into psychotic walks through the neighborhood! Poop Freeze(TM) is a specially formulated aerosol freeze spray that forms a frosty film on dog, cat or bird poop (?????? Are they serious ?? BIRD poop ????) that instantly hardens the surface for easy pick-up. Just shake, spray and dispose.And in the case of BIRD poop what exactly do you do with it ? Use it as a drink coaster ? Toss it like a Frisbee ? In seconds, poop is ready for removal. Clean, fast, earth friendly (will not harm grass or gardens, just burns the life out of the spot where the poop was) and easy! Non flammable (yeah we bet) and CFC free. Indoor/outdoor use. 10 oz. Just think, everyone could freeze the poop and have 'special' Mob Flash snowball fights in the summer!
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Uh...Be Advised...LOOK OUT !!!!
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Hey Man...What's The Big Deal? It was only $ 65 Billion...
NEW YORK (AP) — Saying he was "deeply sorry and ashamed," in a bad Donald Duck impersonation while wiggling his fingers on the tip of his big nose, Bernard Madoff pleaded guilty Thursday to pulling off perhaps the biggest swindle in Wall Street history and was immediately led off to jail in handcuffs ('natch) to the delight of his seething victims. Madoff, 70, could get up to 150 years in prison when he is sentenced in June.
~ A poll around the bar revealed that most Rummiestm figure the only reason this jerk hasn't been killed off yet is because the people he screwed don't have enough money for a hit man. Hey, nothing says retirement than a daily ass rape in your 70's. Have fun Bern!
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Where's My F-18 Damn It?
House Speaker Nancy 'I Am The Anti-Christ & I Will Bury This Country' Pelosi has repeatedly requested/demanded military aircraft to shuttle her and her colleagues and family around the country simply because regular air travel is for the 'Little People', according to a new report from a conservative watchdog group. Representatives who obtained e-mails and other documents from a Freedom of Information request, said the correspondence shows Pelosi has abused the system in place to accommodate congressional leaders and treated the Air Force as her "personal airline." ~ Oh the trappings of pretentious, entitled 'elected' leadership. And they wonder why you & I have our panties in a bunch...
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Pay To Poop!
Bet Pelosi won't be flying THIS airline...Budget airline Ryanair is toying with the idea of charging passengers $1.40 to use the lavatory during flights. Ryanair's chief executive said that the no-frills airline was considering installing a coin slot on bathroom doors. Rochelle Turner, head of research for Which? Holiday magazine, criticized the proposal. "It seems Ryanair is prepared to plumb any depth to make a fast buck and, once again, is putting profit before the comfort of its customers. Charging people to go to the toilet might result in fewer people buying overpriced drinks on board, though — that would serve Ryanair right."
~ And if you have diarrhea you'd better bring a sack of quarters
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We'd be so proud to drop $ 123K on a stupid comic book...
An ultra rare copy of the comic book that introduced Superman to the world and smells a little like an attic hits the auction block. Bids could soar as high as the man of steel. "Action Comics #1," published in June 1938, is considered to be the world's most valuable comic book and valued at an estimated $126,000. A government bailout might help the buyer acquire. "It's the Holy Grail of comic books," comic expert Stephen 'I Went To School For THIS?' Fishler, who created the nerdy 10-point grading scale used to evaluate comic books and secure a lifetime of no dates with girls.
~ But what would really clinch the deal would be the Sports Scores for the years 2010-2050!
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If you sprinkle when you tinkle....
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Mooches Smooches, Kissy, Kissy, Kiss....
British Premier Gordon Brown (left) reaches out to give a welcome kiss to German Chancellor Antgela 'I Am Hot' Merkel in Berlin, Germany. She hosted a meeting of key European leaders to help prepare and set the tone for an April international summit on combating the financial crisis and wife swapping. Apparently the American show 'Wife Swap' seems to be emerging as the number one way to fix the global checkbook meltdown. If everyone swapped wives most men would head out to bars and stimulate the economy overnight. Big 'G' as he is known to his homies is lookin for a little 'get go' with some German spice. "I say luv, perhaps we should investigate knockwurst after tea...are you game?"
~ Oh Gordo...you are cheeky!
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THIS is ART ????
Dogs humping and sniffing butts in what looks like a 4th grade kiln project or maybe a bunch of spit balls landed this artist a lucrative $150,000 contract with the city to put this reverse relief junk on a pedestrian walkway bridge ? Okay, the Rummiestm have all concluded that this was a whacked out 'artist' who somehow scored a major coup, took the money and ran laughing all the way to the bank.
~ All we are wondering now is... why dogs ? Why this ? Where's our Beano? Face it people...THIS is crap.
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GOT GAS ?
'Putin to face German gas pressure' | |
Russian PM Vladimir Putin will face pressure to find a solution to Europe's gas crisis during a visit to Germany. Perhaps a few Brautwursts and some sauerkraut might get the party started. Supplies from Russia via Ukraine have been cut amid a contractual dispute. No gas is flowing via Ukraine to central and eastern European countries, some of which are rationing gas amid cold weather and diminishing reserves.
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In The 'You-Have-To-Be-Kidding-Me' File...
Performing two Google searches from a desktop computer can generate about the same amount of carbon dioxide as boiling a kettle for a cup of tea, according to new research. While millions of people tap into Google without considering the environment, and why the hell should they, a typical search generates about 7g of CO2 ??? Boiling a kettle generates about 15g which goes to show that tea is bad for the environment. “Google operates huge data centers around the world that consume a great deal of power,” said Alex Wissner-Gross, a Harvard University physicist who has never had a date and way too much time on his hands because of that and whose research on the environmental impact of computing is due out soon. Next up a potential ban on all BB guns that use CO2 cylinders to shoot BBs. Pretty soon you may be forbidden to breath cuz you know what your breath is mostly made up of and it ain't the Alfredo you had for din din. We know because we 'Googled' it.
~We'll be sure to take a pass on the Nerd Read.
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We Love This Kind Of Stuff...
We like the idea of our street being named 'Alottavagina Drive'
A British town is setting guidelines to ensure that new streets don't wind up with names like Cockslut Road. The Lewes District Council is expected to set a street naming and numbering policy to ban rude-sounding or unflattering names like Hoare Road and Crack Nuts Lane. hee hee we like that one! Other names deemed "aesthetically unsuitable" like Gaswork Road, Tip House and Coalpit Lane should also be avoided, the council said. Other banned names could be "capable of deliberate misinterpretation" like Hoare Road, Type Avenue and Queer Street. 'I would hate for the name to change. It has some history," Former councillor Rachel 'I-Like-Suggestive-Names' Powell, of Cockshut Road, was quoted as saying. "I can see with political correctness why the council would not want these sort of names but it is a pity."
~ After all Crowing Cock Lane is such a pedigree name
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Wiiiiiiii Want To Hurt You....
Up to ten people a week are being hospitalized with injuries caused by playing Nintendo Wii games, prompting doctors in Britain to issue warnings of the dangers associated with the video game system and being chronically out-of-shape and completely stupid. Most patients are admitted after playing tennis or running games which involve sudden movements and actual physical movement which all victims never did until they got an electronic game. Another common injury is dubbed Wii-knee, blamed on the bending of the knee from the Wii-Fit game. This involves a special platform and a series of movements ranging from yoga to strength-training moves. In extreme cases, the kneecap can be dislocated or pop out of joint and our sources say that particular injury is not covered in health insurance.
~Let's PLAY!!! We Rummiestm are hoping they come out with a Wii game that simulates a bar fight. You know, throwing of beer bottles, glasses, chairs. We could get into that.
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What Are You Lookin At ?
The giant pig embraced in China as a miracle survivor of a massive earthquake in May has been voted the country's favorite animal — but the love-fest has made him fat, lazy and ill-tempered. Very much like Santa. The hog was trapped for over a month following the 7.9 magnitude quake then bought by a businessman who named him "Zhu Jian Qiang," or "Strong Pig." The pig, who survived on charcoal and rainwater for 36 days, "vividly illustrated the spirit of never giving up.". The oinker was voted the tops of an online poll of animals "who moved China" this year.
~We think he should get a Wii
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Set Phasers For Stun
You knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Scientists have predicted laser warfare since the early 80's. Now some clever Greeks have figured out how to screw with the local Law & Order force.
A gang of masked protesters attacked the Greek riot police headquarters amid reports that rioters are using lasers from the Greek Walmart to combat police officers. Authorities trying to contain the gangs of rioters were hit with blinding flashes of green light as the violence in Greece entered a second week. Opthamologists are flooding to Greece in hopes of a tremendous upswing in business.
~Not that we Rummiestm hold sides, hell we're just sitting on the bar stools watching TV, but we have to admit the constables were outwitted on this one. One step closer to riot police in helmets with blast shields. Bring on the Storm Troopers!
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OOOPS !
An investigative reporter bought two BlackBerry devices containing confidential information -- including the cell number of a former Virginia governor -- from the McCain-Palin campaign at a "gone out of business" sale at the campaign's headquarters in Arlington, Va. By the time the reporter got to the sale, most of the good items like buses and cars and planes were gone. File cabinets, white boards, sofas — anything the campaign could sell to get back some of its dough. There were smashed laptops priced at $400 to $600 with log ins like "WARROOM08" and "IHATEOBAMA" and "OBAMAISTHEANTICHRIST." But the reporter didn't have a good password and campaign staff members said the hard drives would be cleared before they were sold. At least that's what they hoped considering a fourteen year old could hack into each device.
~ Hey it could happen....
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Finally Truth In Advertising
McDonald's is taking jabs at Starbucks in new billboards erected close to the gourmet coffee giant's cafes and headquarters in Seattle. Earlier this year, McDonald's launched a Web site called unsnobbycoffee.com to advertise the addition of espresso to its menu in the Seattle area.
~The Rummiestm will tell you what we love about this story...it cuts the crap and gets right to the point. That is simply beautiful.
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Uh... She Give Rearey Good Headache!
A Canadian man, apparently unable to find the perfect woman, has done the next best thing — he's built himself one. Le Trung, a 33-year-old software engineer who lives with his parents in Ontario says he's spent about $20,000 so far on Aiko, a 5-foot-tall female android with clear skin, a slim if shapely figure and a wonderful disposition. "She can recognize faces, she can identify medication, she can even butter your toast," Yeah we bet she can butter your toast Le...
Ready for the most chauvinistic comment of the year ???? Get ready Le...you are about to get a bazillion angry emails from women all over the world...
"Aiko doesn't need holidays, food or rest, and will work almost 24 hours a day. She is the perfect woman."
Oh we can just feel the heat from all of the rightly pissed off women of the world. No wonder you don't have a real girlfriend.
Le hopes to create and sell more pretty female robots in the future. But, ahem, is there more than just companionship involved? "Aiko is still a virgin, AND NO I do not sleep with her," he writes on the Project Aiko Web site, though he admits that she "has sensors in her body including her private parts, and yes even down there."
and why would that be Le... ? For what it's worth Le must have spent a lot of time on...
This particular web site, click here
*** WARNING ***
nudity
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In All Reality I Would Confirm That It Was This Big...
Former Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld describes his account of a night at the Captain Hardcrabs' Pub. Mr. R was, of course, relating the Captain's goods as only the most elite gain access to such information.
Those of us at the Pub bar know exactly what Big R is trying to describe.
It is massive.
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No, No It Was This Big...
On the other hand Mrs. C declared Mr. R's description a bit understated.
PLUS........
Size Does Matter....
To put her point out there for the unknowing, Mrs. C reiterated her claim to counter Mr. R's estimate of the Captain's goods once again. People, the Captain has a piece of furniture he lives with. It;s a lovely solid piece and it holds up well under pressure. All these celebrities can't be wrong. Believe us when we say that the Captain is a massive man.
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Son The Russians Don't Take A Dump Without A Plan...
Then Mr. T gave his official account of what he saw at the Captain Hardcrabs' Pub Grotto after the Captain had a few too many drafts and decided to hot tub it in The Buff.
We think Mr. T's assertion is quite accurate.
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Wiener Windfall
WELLINGTON, New Zealand — A "nagging" wife who pushed her husband to buy a lottery ticket helped scoop the $4.2 million first prize — with only minutes to spare. The man from New Zealand's biggest city, Auckland, bought his ticket just two minutes before ticket sales closed. "My wife had been nagging me all week to get a ticket, so I when saw the Lotto sign ... I sprinted in to get the ticket before they closed,". "I must have been their last customer of the night," he said, adding that they had had a "rough" couple of years, reduced to one income after having children. He discovered their newly won fortune thanks to his wife's request for a barbecued sausage. The man said he didn't have enough money to buy his wife the sausage. So he decided to check his lottery ticket in case he'd won a small prize. "I could not believe it when they said I was actually the big winner," he said. When he showed the printout to his wife, she initially thought they had won $4,200. "When she realized how much it really was, she fell to the floor," and then said: 'but all I wanted was a sausage.'"
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God Help Us All
A Lego-style figurine resembling an Islamic terrorist strapped with explosives and made by a small American company has caused an uproar among Muslims and non-Muslims alike. The controversial miniature figure, created by Seattle-based Will Chapman as part of his BrickArms military fighters line, is a bearded militant with a face-covering hood, a tiny toy assault rifle, a little grenade launcher and plastic bombs that can be attached to an explosives belt. The character is called "Bandit Mr. White" and sells for $14. The jarring toy has outraged the British Muslim organization known as the Ramadhan Foundation, which called the figurine "absolutely disgusting,". The foundation's chief executive, Mohammed Shafiq, complained that the toy is "glorifying terrorism." LEGO issued a statement Thursday saying that the company isn't associated with the BrickArms toys. "BrickArms is not licensed by LEGO Group to customize LEGO figures and has no links to the LEGO brand," the statement said. "The LEGO Group is committed to developing toys which enrich childhood by encouraging imaginative and creative play — and does not endorse products that do not fit with this philosophy."
~Controversy sells...
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Get The Hell Out My Way Mother F****r! I Want Dat Toaster!
The pursuit of happiness -- at least the most materialistic, anti-human expression of it -- took a blow in the U.S. when a 34-year-old Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by bargain-crazed, idiotic "Black Friday" Christmas shoppers. A 28-year-old pregnant woman was also injured in the melee. She was rushed to hospital while the lucky, uncaring, self centered 'Me First' shoppers who were still inside the store were allowed to complete their purchases before being escorted out by the authorities so an investigation could begin. In an unrelated incident the same day, two shoppers were shot to death among the crowds of bargain hunters at a Toys "R" Us in California. Just goes to show the fabric of society is paper thin. Be nice and see what you get from the Anti-Christs that are taking over the country. This is SAD folks. Really sad. Where is the humanity? All of us Rummiestm are very brought down by this horrible display of callous disregard for other humans. Those people suck.
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Holy Nerdy Caper Batman!
The world's most famous Spandex clad, sudo-transtestical comic book hero has breathed his last Bat breath. Bruce Wayne — who by night is Batman — gets murdered by a man claiming to be the father he thought was dead but only after dad chops his hand off with a light saber in a wind tunnel on a spaceship...oh wait that was another nerd fest. In a highly controversial by nerd unions globally new comic book storyline, Dr Thomas Wayne, saying he faked his own passing when Bruce was a child ends up in another nerdy 'killing off' of a popular cartoon character in a desperate move to get P.R. The superhero dies when he tries to stop his foe escaping by helicopter in the new comic Batman R.I.P. which is also known as 'Buy me in Bulk No. 5964'. Batman will live on though, with another character filling his Batsuit. Two likely contenders are Dick Grayson — the original Robin —current Boy Wonder Duck Tim Drake or Spongebob Squarepants. Barbara Streisand was considered a replacement but the cost was way too high, even for Batman.
~ We Rummiestm say that killing off our favorite comic book heroes is stupid! What, are they going to kill off Archie next? We still think Veronica is hot even though she's probably around 90 yrs old now.
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Thai Me Down Sport...
You think the airport was crowded where YOU went this Thanksgiving...anti-government protesters block the entrance to Suvarnabhumi International Airport in Bangkok, Thailand which is always helpful. The Thai people don't celebrate Thanksgiving. They just show up to screw up travel plans for millions of people for some small matter like they want their government to go away...Thailand's army commander urged protesters Wednesday to leave Bangkok airport and called for elections to end the country's political crisis after a day of chaos in which thousands of travelers were stranded. All flights were canceled and frustrated passengers bused to hotels which were completely unstaffed because the hotel workers were at the airport playing Takraw. Protesters shut down Suvarnabhumi Airport in a campaign to oust the prime minister. "The government should give the public a chance to decide in a fresh election," Gen. Anupong 'I Will Eventually Kill All Of You Tienanmen Style' Paochinda said at a news conference.
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+
Look Mommy! Up In The Sky...
Astronaut Heidi Piper accidentally released the tether holding the bag to the International Space Station during the space shuttle mission's first spacewalk.This resulted in her pay being docked by 100% and she was immediately put on the top of the list to be the first one to drink the urine recovery stuff. The now orbiting bag contained two grease guns that were specially fitted to lubricate joints on the space station's huge solar-panel arrays."Oh, great," Piper said as the bazillion dollar bag drifted away into space. Experts say the bag and its contents will eventually harmlessly burn up in the Earth's atmosphere except for the twenty pound pry bar made of flame proof alien metal. It poses a risk to the space station and other orbiting satellites until it drops harmlessly on some one's head somewhere in the Congo. At least they are Craftsmen tools so NASA can get replacements for free at Sears.
~We Rummiestm seriously doubt Piper said "Oh Great". We are inclined to think it was along the lines of "Oh Shit!"
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A TWO FACED PUSSY...cat that is!
A kitten with two faces that meows out of both mouths at the same time meowing that it wants to go to Captain Hardcrabs' Pub for some milk, was born near Perth, Western Australia where LOTS of weird stuff happens. Seems our strangest stories come out of Australia. The kitten was delivered in a vet's operating room. Nurse Louisa Burgess delivered the kitten. Burgess said that in her 12-year career' she had never seen a two-faced pussy that she can remember except that one time in college.... "I have seen pussies with two tails and extra legs, but not this," she said blushing.
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This story gets better as each day passes....read on
Message delivered You Schmucks
The top brass at Detroit's Big Three automakers got run over in Congress and the press for flying to Washington aboard luxurious private jets to beg for a $25 billion industry bailout. "The pressure brought on from Rummiestm of Captain Hardcrabs' Pub and the ensuing public out-cry was just too much to handle! We just can't take that kind of rejection! Oh God make it end!" said one top Executive as he sobbed in his martini. General Motors Corp. announced that it is terminating the leases on two of its five private jets in a token effort "to cut costs" and avoid the future wrath of pissed of Captain Hardcrabs' Pub fans all over the world. Ever since the story was listed here on this site cars sales have plummeted and the only logical reason is because Rummiestm are pissed off by the fat cats.
CHEERS TO ALL YOU RUMMIEStm!
Earlier............ so you can ketchup.....
DENIED YOU BUNCH OF OVER PAID SUITS!
Suggestion: Don't eat out or any fast food anytime soon.
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Rich Dick
WHAT US WORRY ? HA!
Yeah right you bunch of losers!
Get back to work. I have a roast duck that's getting cold...
Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli responds after being asked how his retirement portfolio is looking at a Senate hearing on the automotive industry bailout in Washington. Ford CEO Alan Mulally and GM CEO Rick Wagoner look on after eating cracked crab and drinking large quantities of imported liquids aboard their private corporate jets. (Keep in mind these are recipients of eight-figure bonuses in 2007), The corporate fat cats used their executive perks — which for GM's Rick Wagoner include the run of a $36 million Gulfstream IV jet — to arrive in style as they went begging before Congress. Wagoner, whose flight reportedly cost $20,000 round-trip — about 70 times more than a commercial airline ticket — told Congress he expected about $10-$12 billion from the requested bailout. "This is a slap in the face of taxpayers," Tom Schatz, president of Citizens Against Government Waste, told ABC News. "To come to Washington on a corporate jet, and asking for a handout is outrageous."
~ We only hope they get a bad case of tourists on the way home. The bar flies wanna know: "Do any of you CEO's have a moral conscience ?" Sure makes us want to buy a car.........
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HEY MATES! LOOK AT MAH SHRUNKIN WINKER! Crickey...It's like a button!
An Australian nude resort wants to bring back swingers and sex parties in a bid to boost sagging tourism figures. The White Cockatoo resort in Mossman, north Queensland, is promoting an adults-only "anything goes" month of hedonism for March next year. Owner of the White Cockatoo and owner of the tiny weenie, Tony Fox,said it was time to lift a self-imposed swinger ban. "Tough economic times call for stiff measures ha ha ha," Fox said. "We've taken the bull by the horns and it's grabbing nuts; we're close to fully booked. It will be a hedonism resort, where anything goes for a month. We're not using the words sex or swingers, but it doesn't take rocket science to work out what it means."
Word has it there will a large increase in the amount of chlorine used in the pool in March.
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SEX ? WITH YOU ? ohhhhh NOT AGAAAAAAIN.....
Apparently researchers have discovered that women who have lost that 'lovin feeling' can get help from a testosterone patch. Yep, it makes her horny. 'Bout time. The only real drawback is that testosterone is a male hormone which when taken over long periods of time can make the wife/lover/partner want to do manly things after sex like fix cars. We will stay on top of this and see if we can secure a load of the testosterone patch thingies for all you Rummiestm.
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CAPTAIN HARDCRABS' PUB RUMMIEStm
Panic during a recent heavy rain
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MORE TOMORROW
T H E DA I L Y R A N T
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